Jim

2012-01-26T22:22:00.000+08:00

Today is one of those days where you have second thoughts and relentless doubts about everything and nothing seems good anymore. I know everytime I fall sick my mind wanders round and round. Its like my body took a break from life, but my brain didn't. There are pessimistic and negative thoughts swimming around in my head.

I think to myself, we just came back from cny holidays, and they're going out to the swamps of lim chu kang for an overnight walk with 20 (seriously) kg. Like which set of people goes outfield like every week during lull period? I think we should just be forgotten here in singapore, and not go up to taiwan at all. Let us lull here, like the guards snipers hehe. Progressive training blahblah, testing the PC's planning, SA battle transition, recce, commanders' training. Sigh, why am I doing all this? Everything just doesn't feel right nao. I want my outside life.

2012-01-17T23:15:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it doesn't really matter what people think. Why don't we live in a world where we dont play politics, social hierarchies, gossips, emotional and psychological manipulation, selfcentredness, personal grudges and disaffections. but of course, I know its kinda whiny of me to rant about how the world isn't perfect. But I have a very important question to raise: how should us Christians deal with the politics?

Should we tread lightly and draw clear boundaries? Should we take one slowmo step at a time? Should we be a monk/nun and abstain from it totally? Should we develop our political skills and apply it wherever needed? Should we even use it? Or are christians supposed to be angelic, and not ever ever get involved in such things?

In other news, I'm conducting PT for the whole unit tomorrow. For those who don't understand army terms, it includes every high ranking person working in the same building as me. And when I say high-ranking, I rly mean HIGH.

Well sure, its pretty awesome to wear a shiny yellow belt around my waist that says 'conducting', but I really shouldn't mess with the responsibilities, esp when they all have conducted so many more trainings than I did, and scrutinise every word and movement. (In my head, at least)

2012-01-15T22:20:00.001+08:00

Time for an update on my blog.

Over the past few weeks, I have discovered friends who are dearer to me than I expected. And discovered friends whom I thought I was close to, but so superficial. And other friends who have changed so so much, and become so different. it's not easy meeting up old friends at times, because their current behaviour can taint the image I've had of them over the years. and that tainted image is ugly. but then again, have I become tainted? In other people's opinions, have I changed for the worst? Maybe that was what the transitions have done to everyone's lives. More emptiness, more voids to fill in our lives. I tell myself I really don't want superficial people in my life peppering me with sweet stuff and white lies. But sometimes, do I really? or is there a something within that still longs for human acceptance?

You know, after so long being in church, the sermons I enjoy hearing the most are during easters, christmases or any other event where there's many new people, and I get a fresh listen on how deep, how forgiving, how gracious our God's love for us is. It doesn't matter what we are going through in life, what level 2, 3, 4, 5 or level 100 stuff he wants to do in our life, but when our level 1 salvation should be the foundation of all our doings. And I think I got lost somewhere in the building. is it just me, or is it some voice going on inside my head? It's one thing to believe, but it's another thing to receive. And only through believing AND receiving, can we become beloved children of God. So, asking a question many people ask, how do I receive?

I'm not kneeling, I'm not healing, I'm just somewhere in between.

2012-01-03T16:55:00.003+08:00

Why doesn't God take away all pain from us when we call on Him?

"He leaves us in the midst of our adversity for a reason, not so we can be overcome by it, but so we can overcome it in him. There's a strange and remarkable interplay between our needs and God's supply in which he gets glorified by stepping into our circumstances and carrying our burdens for us. He doesn't take the burden away, but he lightens them by his strength. He becomes the bearer as we present it to him. And in the process, he gets to show who he is.

God was able to show himself as Israel's Deliverer only because He allowed his people to be slaves in Egypt in the first place. He showed himself as their Provider only because he led them into a wilderness that no water or food to sustain them. He showed himself as Healer only when they were allowed to experience disease and as their Warrior only when they had an enemy. We would not know who he IS today, if somebody, somewhere, sometime didnt have a deep need that He stepped in and met.

We may know him theoretically as Israel's deliverer, provider, healer, warrior, but we know him personally only if he performs those roles in our lives when we need him to. And that's why he doesn't remove the wind and waves from our lives. We can sink and suffer among them, or we can find his strength and walk on them."

2012-01-02T10:42:00.004+08:00

I've often wondered what would happwn if we followed their counsel (of surrendering self-will and dying to self) and simply let go of their concerns. Would the world fall apart? Would situations worsen because we aren't stressed about them anymore? Would all our dreams and desires fall into God's trash pile if we were no longer pestering him about them? Why don't we just let go? I don't know. Perhaps that's our fundamental problem - our false sense of control. It's an illusion, and it wreaks havoc on our sense of peace. But we desperately try to maintain it anyway. Why? Because we have a hard time trusting God.
-unburdened by chris tiegreen

2011-12-27T23:54:00.001+08:00

2011-12-26T13:35:00.001+08:00

2011-12-24T18:21:00.002+08:00

Here's how you spend christmas eve as a guy who just booked out: sleep at 530am watching chris rene, then wake up at 1pm like a boss, without anyone bothering you or any errand to attend to, surf the net, eat some brownies for breakfast, watch my half finished movie conviction, and then dress up to the nines to a christmas eve concert.

And of course, along the way, let some jaws drop. This is the awesome lazy life to live. Tomorrow's christmas, wonder what should I do tmr.

2011-12-18T22:10:00.001+08:00

Christmas' coming.

One crazy week down, one more to go.

And I really hope it'll be a christmas break. Where I can get some rest, some thinking and reflecting done. Meet up some friends and feel a little more from the real world. Find my steps, rediscover my fire. Start discovering what it really means to be a leader, a commander. Fill up that gaping hole in my emotions, and make a decision on what really matters in life.

We all have our tiring weeks and crazy days. Whining and writing about it doesn't make the actual situation any better. But it makes ME feel better. I've had a really rushed, forgettable, lonely, lost and empty camp. Then I find out about all the CRT updates and changes. And after that, I then push my tiredness boundaries and hang out with sc6. And getting lost in my own dreams and perfectionist what ifs. Had a crazy refocusing session where I organised everything in mandarin, and then made them go up the scaffolds twice. Hung out with the gg gang for a few hours to catch up. and now its finally tekong week. Totally not looking forward to any of it, except the final day where we get to book out.

There's christmas party coming up, christmas concerts, setting up moving heads, block leave, cell group outings, ex-cell group outings, 4E gathering, a probable 6E gathering, things I wanna buy for myself, things I wanna get for my room, gifts and cards that I want to do for people for christmas, meetups with everyone, and of course doing all that while trying to walk on a narrow balancing beam. I totally enjoy doing all of the above, honestly, and would gladly do them all, but the balancing beam's being a spoiler.

2011-12-14T18:14:00.000+08:00

Youth camp is over.

Within 24 hours, I am massively confused. I leave one camp and go to another camp and have never had such a culture shock before. I know I've been to many youth camps, but it takes a few weeks before we get thrown back into our school timetables again, but now in army, hell and heaven is just mere few hours difference. To many people, it was anawesome 4 days experience. To me, its been just another event in my schedule that I spent more time prepping for it then the event itself. I still feel shellshocked now. Maybe that's what 5 days of civilian life does to me.

It was in a word, forgettable. The music, atmosphere, activities, the place. Everything felt so reused and recycled. It wasn't unique and special to me.

There were its fun and cool and interesting moments, but I think by next week I would already have forgotten all about it.

God, so who am I now? How do I respond now?

2011-12-10T12:23:00.001+08:00

2011-12-10T00:17:00.000+08:00

#nowplayingoverandoveragain - Mercy by Kristene Mueller

What shall i do with you my love

what shall i do with you

for Your loyalty to me is like the morning clouds

like the dew that goes away so early

what shall i do with You my love

you keep bringing me sacrifices

to ease your mind

but it's your heart that i want

hasn't it been a long road

with disappointments

chasing after lovers

that just throw you away

are you done fighting now

all the love it takes to lighten you

shame was never meant to be your portion

you keep bringing me sacrifices

to ease your mind

but it's your heart that i want

though these sins are red as scarlet

i will wash them white in my mercy

those these sins are red as scarlet

i will wash them white in my mercy

2011-12-07T20:37:00.002+08:00

Spending time in camp is way easier than the outside world. I can get myself lost in my own world, of discipline, fitness, etc etc, and just forget about everything else outside. I can forget my hurts, my disappointments, my expectations of things. But it is indeed really difficult to deal with things that you can so easily ignore. And ignoring and forgetting it all isn't going to make things better; it isn't going to solve anything; its not gonna solve any disputes and discrepancies. And because it already is so difficult and painful, why do I have to be different, and face it? Why not just avoid it, and let everything slip into oblivion. And just lose everything I've built.

Somedays I think about my thinking. Do I really want to let go? Should I let go? Why did I hang on for so long? Why was I so patient? Isit the gap, or is it genuine? What's real? What's fake? Maybe everything we've all known is fake. Its all just a selfish scam to plug a gap.

2011-12-03T19:26:00.002+08:00

it takes mere minutes to burn a bridge down, but it takes years to build one.

so what now?

does anyone have an answer?

hello?

helloooo?

is there anyone out there?

2011-12-01T13:24:00.000+08:00

I had a little chat with someone. He made a point: live passionately. Pursue what you really want to do. Go for it. Live it up. Raise the bar. Push your limits. Don't live behind fears and limitations. Don't let anyone pull you back; only let others push you forward.

Know the difference between something you're passionately pursuing and what you're pursuing to plug a gap in your own life.

It's a very thin line.

What's my dream; what's my goal, that I am chasing? And on the other hand, what are the gaps in my life? What am I trying to plug it with?

2011-11-29T06:07:00.000+08:00

God I need you. I feel ooh-so-depressed. I really don't know how to feel and what to expect. Are you gonna be cold? Are you really there? Are we even friends? How is our meeting this weekend going to be like? And, the worldly values around are all so prevalent. I can't fight back and push them back, I lost my footing. They always win. And then God, why do I have to be different? Can't I be like the rest of them? Girls, sex, vulgarities, clubbing, music, alcohol, emotions? If I'm all so good and different, why the failure and rejection? what's wrong with me? Or just what's wrong in general? Have I not be patient with you? And given what requested? Being right, being honest didn't pay of; it never improved, it only deproved.

I've never felt so lousy.

2011-11-28T07:32:00.001+08:00

What does it really mean to be happy? Sometimes I just want to be happy; I don't ask for much, like some people ask for houses, cars, money, status. Just to laugh, to joke, to have fun. For the people around me to be themselves and for me to be myself, and enjoying one another. No third person, no warped stereotypes and no crazy assumptions. but unfortunately that's also what makes relating with people exciting. It's the huge difference between hanging out with a machine and a real person. People can be good with machines, it's easy. Just make the machine listen to you. But with people, it's a totally different ballgame. There is the interplay of emotions, impressions, achievements, goals, common interests, conflicting interests.

But that's exactly what makes someone smile. There's that tingly feeling in your tummy, it exists: some people call it butterflies in their stomach, others call it goosebumps. some people call it infatuation, some people call it love, some people don't even want to believe in their own emotions and try to deny or suppress it. Those feelings and emotions: no machine or game or computer or gadget can bring that to you. Only a person can bring warmth to you. But not everyone can do that. It's hard to find. To some people, it takes their lifetime to figure it out. And it's even harder for it to be mutual. And it's way even harder in busy little singapore. And it's multiplied even more when you're busy protecting busy little singapore. On a machine, all we ever do is copy, paste, edit, delete.

And there's also different and varying intensities. There is family warmth. A dad, a mum, an older sibling, younger siblings, (JAYDEN!) There's also warmth amongst friends. I've got the gang, churchies, old friends, sc6 mates, armymates. Then there is the bff warmth. Wendy, the gang, and all the close buddies. Then there's the bgr warmth. It's special; it's unique. It's got a life of its own. It grows, it matures, it pmses, it frustrates as well. And I think I dropped it somewhere. Wonder where I left it..

I think I'm a tears kinda guy. Every once in a while, I feel like I have to cool off the water pressure behind those eyes. And then, I feel normal and humane again. I feel again. After soooo long in the army. I've somewhat lost my ability to feel, and turning on the tap recharges the mechanical battery installed inside me. And my head feels so much more clearer. Or maybe I just have a soft spot for rom-coms. :/

2011-11-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

2011-11-13T19:35:00.002+08:00

Your Word says, "woe to those who call evil good" but that is exactly what we have done. we have lost our spiritual equilibrum and reversed our values. we have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. we have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. we have killed our unborn and called it choice. we have short abortionists and called it justifiable. we have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem. we have abused power and called it politics. we have coveted our neighbour's possession and caled it ambition. we have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. we have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

maybe i should forget what lies behind.

2011-11-12T19:30:00.000+08:00

i dont know whether to be pissed or not. i have been displaced, forgotten, thrown aside, and pretty much rejected. maybe i should have warmed up to that fact earlier, and could have prepared myself mentally for this day. at the rate it was going, and all the hints dropped, it was bound to happen. i lived in my own idealistic world, and wished for my very own hollywood fairytale ending that ends happily ever after, and now im stuck in a mess that i dont know how to get out of. perhaps you've lost it, perhaps we've both lost it. the spark is gone. it was ignited full of hope, but now it died down within just 5 months, or even less. i hoped to reignite it, to spread the fire, but i really cant stand this anymore. not when its all so fake.

i couldnt be more frustrated this weekend. dads, blackberries, m1, west zone; they all decided it was an awesome time to pit their skills together and spar with my patience levels.

2011-11-07T22:20:00.002+08:00

it has been one hell of a crazy week. there's so many things that has been happening. i really wanna just give up, hang up the line, and withdraw to my quiet shell. i really cant take all these things all happening at once. i dont wanna face anything in this world that's happening to me. be it the zone changes, the church changes, the company discipline issues, the man-mode i'm totally in now. and then there's the exit door of the church, the 'get things done' mindset of the army, my personal ministries, my personal christmas portfolio that i want to build, my personal safe of inner feelings that i grant nobody access to, the distant and cloudy hope of Jesus, and the very real fire behind. i feel like i am really walking on a narrow path. a path that no one in their right mind will ever take. i really cannot do it on my own strength; i admit i have been, and its been the most tiring thing ever. booking into camp is tiring, and booking out is worse. there's the tempting path that i have always taken, and its labelled 'withdraw'.

this fight going on inside of me is worse than a war. between the 90% correct and the 100% correct. i cannot fight this on my own. i really dont know why i'm putting myself through all this, and im still having second thoughts whether this is all worth it. my mind's in a constant mess over the right thing to do. and i really think i can handle all these knitty gritty problems if it came one at a time. but the overwhelming thing is that it all accumulates and its all swallowing me up whole at one go now.

and then i've got a big issue with timing. God's answer to many of my questions are just simply 'wait'. and then it isnt wait 1 day or 1 week or 1 month, but to wait way more than that. is it really possible for me to wait, when its something that i really want NOW? and then to wait with the right motives; because its the right thing to do, NOT because 'the dessert tastes better if you wait til after dinner'.

as nigel did put it 'it is one big process of refining', and that at the end, i come out of it more polished and more ready. more certain of my purpose and direction. more certain in decision making. to be a leader, and a commander. i honestly hate it to the core. im an escapist at heart. and to deny myself that is pretty crazy ass shit.

and i've got really unload my burdens with. perhaps its been my own way of wallowing in self-pity, but perhaps i really shouldnt unnecessarily bog down people with my never-ending issues. everyone has their own set of never-ending issues, and i feel i shouldnt contribute to it. i hate it when someone shares their issues with me, and then it totally reminds me of an unresolved situation in my own life. and then the person feels better, cos i was a great listening ear, but i feel worse cos now i have awoken a sleeping issue. i dont know who to tell, old friends, church friends, best friends, army friends. just deciding who is already a big headache. i did say 'i feel that its God telling me that i got no one to turn to, but only Him alone.' where do i find the luxury of time and peace to actually do it? although it is more of a desperation cry by now.

oh God, hear my prayer. come quickly to me.

i did wish i could sort out my mind and write this blog post in a more organised manner: army, church, personal, etc. but now my post's all jumbled up, just like how my mind is now.

2011-10-25T23:24:00.002+08:00

the closer you are to someone, the bigger the joy and happiness, but also bigger the disappointment and hurt too.

before you read on, be warned.

perhaps im wallowing in a smelly pit of self pity, perhaps today just isnt my day, perhaps im anti-deepavali, perhaps really no one remembered me. or maybe God orchestrated it all in this messy way. there's something wrong with me. what im saying, what im praying, what im hoping for, what im listening to, what im believing; it isnt happening. on the contrary, everything opposite is happening instead. i've been plugged into my ipod for the past 3 days or so, and i keep hearing songs that speak about his 'unfailing love', 'i dont have to worry about tomorrow', 'a love like fire'.. and #nowplaying 'even if my world falls i'll say, above all i live for your glory'. i wanna give up. i totally regretted. i did my pros and cons. my cons outweighed the pros. although there were a few really legit pros. but still..

even things in camp is going wrong. i hate how i behave sometimes, i hate how sloppy i've become, and i dont know why im so quiet. and withdrawn. and sian. people start picking on us. give their 10 cents 20 cents on how things should be done. because we're the smallest fries there. they've got no small fry to pick on in their own offices, so they turn bsc into a targetboard. so much for the beautiful language of "set the standard" and "other people will look up to you". RUBBISH. we set our own set of standards, no matter how mediocre it may be, because its realistic. and no one will ever look up to us, cos we're the only ones around. i hate working. i really prefer school.

sigh, i thought i was triple bangseh-ed in the evening. now i think im quadruple bangseh-ed.

2011-10-16T19:22:00.001+08:00

2011-10-11T23:30:00.000+08:00

soccer is still my best medicine. it cures loneliness, boredom, fatigue, self esteem and provides the best endorphins rush. on the pitch, everything is forgotten: our rank, responsibilities, burdens, emotions. and then we start playing the universal music, and speaking the universal language. (although soccer here is of a very low level that isn't beautiful at all) but still, the soccer court is my second home. haha but come to think of it, oh wells, I have many second homes: my bunk, the seat behind the lighting console, the soccer court, in bed with a guitar or out with jo. oh wells, this week's a pretty slack week. or actually I'm really slacking all the wayyyy. i can't believe I have a lull period until april. oh wells.

Dear God, still my heart. give me Your peace. I need Your peace and Your rest. show me what it means for You to rejoice over me, for You to live me with a faithful and everlasting and indescribable love. in Jesus' name, amen.

2011-10-10T12:28:00.002+08:00

this new posting is just different. I have a different frequency from eveyone else here. there's no more darren or eeruey or kenneth. it's all in chinese, or hokkien, and totally nskish. I really don't get what the jokes are, or what's so cool and interesting in the topic they are talking about. that just naturally outcasts myself and alienates me from whatever is going on. the weekends are like, the only time I can meet my normal friends, and actually socialise with people. and have proper conversations, and make proper jokes, and talk about interesting stuff, all in the correct language. someone saveeee me from the nsks.

I've got so much going on in my head about us now. I feel like im slowly drifting away from shore, but you're even further out at sea. and how long can we really last? how patient am I? what would your family think? what would the church say? would you believe and have faith together with me? would I still believe a few years down the road? what's next? what's best? what is God's will? what do we do in the meantime? am I just gonna be a passive waiter? how do I sincerely entrust it all to You? how do I know I have really surrendered all? is psalm 37:4 really for me? what are the right boundaries? how should we behave? so so so many questions, but not a single answer.

2011-10-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

it's my second week here. and somehow i always realise, whenever I go to a new camp and a new place, I take a pretty long time to settle down and be comfortable, to kickstart good friendships and so on. maybe I'm just too exclusive to people who are on my wavelength, or I just have a very anti-mandarin demeanour, or I just don't smile enough to people. I wonder what people think of me sometimes? from what I've heard, I'm quiet and don't smile much, and am too serious. and honestly i just don't really fit in too well amongst the 6 of us. and obviously because mandarin and hokkien is the default language here.

the training so far is fine, just that both our combat and physical fitness levels have dropped tremendously. I can't tank speed trainings and walking around in SBO anymore. must be what cat term has done to me. but I'm totally enjoying all my commanders' privileges now: no falling in, no area cleaning, no timings to meet, draw and send arms and stores whenever I want, and the comps that are just waiting for me in the office. of course, it's not all good. there's also added responsibility, attending co-ord meetings, safety spec for high key events, and encouraging and pushing the men. it's been 2 weeks, but the 2 weeks so far were pretty manageable and decent and fun too. but of course, the past week with all the crazy number of PT sessions has taken a huge toll on my body. and also, hearing the men talk and joke around can have me rolling around in laughter at times, despite my limited hokkien and chinese vocabulary. there's too many to retell, so i'll save it. and of course, i cant retell it at all, cos it just doesnt sound funny when i tell it.

2011-09-26T00:05:00.000+08:00

it's my first day of my new camp; it's the first day of being a third sergeant. I have a new home, a new assignment. I'm in brigade support coy, and I'm gonna be an atgm commander. but for now, my pcs are still in ocs, my men are still civilians. so we are gonna be balonglong-ing with 1st coy until next april. there's only 6 of us here, cos they only need 6 specs for each company. it's not as chiongsua as sect comd in 2sir, but it's tough in it's own way. we are more like recce, carrying heavy shit wherever we go. and it's also like mg, we walk, we deploy, we fire, we pangkang. don't really know what to expect.. of course, no more hope of being an admin spec.

I'm doing 25kg 8km route march on my second day. how much more chiongsua could it get? I didn't even expect anything like that, so I even left my field pack and helmet at home. but unit life isn't really that bad; I can bring my own fan, my own extension plug, my speakers, my own cushions and soft toys even. guess it's time to go shopping this weekend heh. I have a major issue with the size of the cupboards though. it's the old ones, and it's freaking half the size of our normal ones. there just isn't space for about anything, and come to think of it, you can't even put a rifle in. at least it's only temporary for one or two weeks.

okay after a little talk cock with our DO, we are the forgotten people of the battalion. thats the cool part. we are the pioneers of bsc. we are the first batch of men and commanders to take the ATGM course. there is no SOP, there is no support for us: no s1, s2, s3 or s4. that's it. motorized infantry ftw. no one will really know if we keng, and no one will know if we get tortured either. we don't have an office, we don't have computers, we don't have stores, we don't even have blankets, we don't even have enough rifles for our route march tomorrow, we don't have bunks, we don't have to go for the stuff that the men are going through. so I guess this posting is good and bad.

and of course, my first day as a third sergeant, how can I not write about it? :) well to sum it up, it's just two words 'culture shock'. I have little privates looking up to me and expecting me to know and do my stuff. and then, at the cookhouse today, 6 of us went to sit at the table labelled '3sg and above'. and of course, we WALKED to cookhouse. it's just way way way too much of a culture shock. tomorrow I'm gonna wake up, and NOT have to fall in. whatup. and go for breakfast by ourselves. I'm gonna take quite some time to get used to this.

2011-09-23T23:43:00.000+08:00

the big day is here. in a few hours time I will be a commander, a third sergeant. I'm gong to be entrusted with men under my care. and I'm going to teach them, lead them and discipline them. no doubt I'm excited about getting my rank, but I am kinda dreading all the saigang I have to go through for the next year. I'm confirm posted to kranji camp under hq 3SIB. infantry brigade. got chance of becoming an ops spec, or atgm commander, or sniper. or whatever other weapon system that a brigade has. hoping for the bet, but preparing for the worst.

this is a crossroad that I have no choice or control whatsover. and the past few days are crazy. there's my crazy speculation over the past few days, there's the now-one-week-long hiatus, the lights, the people, the men and my no.1 enemy in Singapore-the Sun. then there's the crazy types of inputs from friends, from church and army alike. and the really big tug-o-war going on in my head giving me restless nights and splitting headaches. I really hope I will make the right calls

2011-09-18T19:05:00.001+08:00

one thing army has taken away from me, is the ability to feel. army has taught me to ignore our feelings, and to just do what we gotta do. if ever our feelings got in the way, we would never get anything accomplished. but more importantly, I learnt to ignore pain, happiness, unhappiness, grudges, love, hate or just any other feelings in general. in other words, I've become more robotic than ever. somwhere in my head, my world becomes a list of tasks I have to do to survive. people become part of that list of tasks. people becomes another job that I pay attention to.

and I hate it, I no longer feel. I don't emote anymore. normally I feel depressed about this kinda issues, but now it doesn't even trouble me. they say the first step to solving a problem is to identify it, and now that I've identified next, what's next??

2011-09-17T23:29:00.000+08:00

do you love being swept off your feet, or do you love the person doing the sweeping?

2011-09-16T23:57:00.002+08:00

i am now a highly confused and stressed person.

too much is at stake here, the next year, to be exact. i've got cat term screwing around in the back of my mind, busy wasting my time away, when i could be better off doing a million better things. just one more damned week and i'll be done with it. and obviously, the new camp and place im getting posted to after getting that 3 stripes. it could range from anything like 2sir to tekong to plc to mindef to cmpb to ncc. and then within 2sir, there are sect comds, mg comds, terrex comd. i dont know how to actually cope and carry on with life after next week. i've been sleeping so much, but i cant sleep well. cos everything is bothering me.

and then i hate petty and minor squabbles. they are just not right. we're losing it. that thing in hollywood movies: the spark, the excitement. or precisely thats just what it is, hollywood exaggeration. theres a problem, but i dont know what it is.

and yes i hate to say it, but the zone is bothering me. there's the people, the mindsets, the work to do, the menial and manual labour, and the throwing of your own pride and face. so many things need to change. so many priorities vying for that seat and for your time.

its like playing that arcade game where you use the hammer to whack the frog where it jumps out of the hole. your eyes are not fixed on any one frog, but on the whole. and then our attention jumps from one frog to another, changing our focus every second. but that second of focus demands our 100%, and after continuous hammering for minutes, fatigue sets in and we no longer give our 100%. instead we start giving 50% to each frog, and we're content as long as we're able to hit all the frogs, even we knowingly know its substandard. im fatigued, my attention is gone. i feel like putting down the hammer, and just walking away from the game. but this is life; you cant walk away from it.

2011-09-08T22:05:00.000+08:00

it's the end of aslc. I earnt my CSB. it's time for cat term. it's time to get my 3SG rank. it's time for a new unit. it's time for change. there is something very homely about being in foxtrot. it's fun, enjoyable, and everyone is like family. it's not cool moving out and changing.

32km was crazy. and the fact that we did a 5km run the day before didn't really help either. but it really wasn't as bad as the 28km. this time, the distances were fair, and we had a definite minimum 15 minutes rest at each point. but the toughest stretch was surprisingly the 12-16km. from then on, what was pain? pain was just an obstacle between me and my destination. overcome the pain, and just walk. and of course, the 2 cans of redbull definitely helped.

it's been a crazy week emotionally. coming back from taiwan, getting used to life here back in singapore, and the people around me. it is so dry and dull. maybe God is saying something to me, maybe I can't listen, maybe I haven't been listening. maybe I'm doing something wrong.

2011-08-31T21:45:00.002+08:00

there are days where we don't feel sparkly, happy and good. there are days where everything is just ordinary and normal and dry. I guess today is one of those days. I spent the day doing supposedly fun and awesome things, but I didn't get a major kick today. the day just came and left. no more.

2011-08-29T20:27:00.004+08:00

this is day 1 of taiwan. the food is good, the showers are good, the pace is good. the weather is horrible, the water is terrible, the bunks are beyond description. the terrain is the worst one can get. the weather here is perma-pmsing. the sun rises at 5am, gets super hot by 7am, and stays super hot all the way until 12pm, then starts raining at 2 till 6. then the nights are super cold.?but the worst is, I'm sick. from yesterday til today, and the plane makes it all worse. I wanna report sick. can't take any more strenous stuff, or I'll just sneeze til kingdom come. goodnight world.

this is day 3. things are starting to pick up pace. everyone's busy. and everyone is feeling the strain in timings and so on. the faculty, the appt holders and us all. hehe, I reported sick yesterday, but it was pretty wasted, cos they practically slept the whole day away anyways. only skipped a 3km morning run and a 3km walk. and terrain reading march today was pretty fun. yes it was tiring trudging up and down the super mountains here, but the view from up there can be pretty mesmerising. especially the 404 knoll. but nevertheless, it's all still tiring. we take a good hour to walk up, but a mere 10 minutes to roll down. anyways, I can't wait for 26 august. meanwhile, there's longstride tomorrow first. ciaos.

okok this is saturday, day 7. and I realise one week has already passed. for 6 months since I enlisted I haven't reported sick, but after coming to taiwan, I reported sick twice in 7 days. once for flu, the other for diarrhoea. the diarrhoea was pretty bad. never shitted outfield so many times before. it was bad to the point I had my first IV drip in my life. it's quite terrifying to know sucha huge needle is being poked into my really small veins and stuff is going into my blood. but I must say the IV drip is really effective. I totally felt weak again the moment they stopped the drip. they have given me medicine to stop my diarrhoea, but I still shat out my dinner. I haven't eaten anything solid for the past 4 days or so, cos whatever went in just came out. and epic story, I shat out the charcoal pill that they gave me, 5 minutes after eating it.. epic to the point that the commanders were all pretty stunned. so much for charcoal pills stopping diarrhoea.

anyways, ex longstride was pretty fun, but nevertheless still shagged. I think I walked approximately 40km in full battle order over the past 3 days. through the blazing sun, mosquitoes, rain, lightning, cold, fighting sleep, with uncooperative members, and fighting fatigue. it was really physically tiring, more than mentally. but I admit there were the fun and good times too, walking with other groups, harbouring and cooking all kinds of stuff in the middle of the night, and of course the best was making Milo. it's one thing to drink Milo at home or in camp, but it's a whole new world of shiok when it's cooked outfield in the middle of a cold night. longstride was fun and challenging as well: climbing mountains, enjoying the spectacularrrrr view, crossing rivers, eating wild longans and of course, buying food from ninja! we even got their phone numbers, so it was like we had free tour guides as well. they knew where the checkpoints were, and they knew the terrain best, so they could give us advice on what routes to take. chicken chop, chicken cutlet, milk tea, burgers, coke, isotonic drinks. tried and bought everything they had to offer. walking through the villages was a fun experience too, we got to see what life was like for the everyday villager and farmer. i must say, they have a very very very slow-paced life. it's been one hell of a memorable experience, if not for the diarrhoea to spoil everything. can't wait for r&r to start.

and I did something significant today. I planted the Word of God in these idol-worshipping land. I wrote verses on the leaves around the area I was harboring, and said a simple prayer for this freaky hilly and mountainous land. there's like a humongous Buddha right outside my camp. it's on a high place, and the Buddha itself is about 10 stories high, and it can be seen from like 10km away. and it's totally gold plated, and it's in the biggest temple i've ever seen in my life. something similar to the scale of Angkor Wat. and in that temple was like another thousand or so golden idols and statues, and literally, not figuratively, i mean there were about a thousand. and all gold plated. must have cost a nuclear bomb to build. some humansized, others about 5 stories high. I went through a really subtle temptation during ex longstride. and then the still small voice of God spoke and revealed to me how subtle it was. lemme explain. cos when you're lost in the vegetation, and you catch a glimpse of the Buddha from afar, it was a way to reorientate ourselves to the map again and confirm where we were on the map. and cos we also knew that the Buddha was so near our camp, we were happy to see Buddha getting closer and closer, cos we knew we were closer and closer to our finish line. but it was so subtle; a statue of Buddha brought hope to me. I was disgusted by myself just by typing that line. how could a statue have that effect on me? it has no eyes, it cannot see, it has no ears, it cannot hear, it has no mouth, it cannot speak. but my God is alive. why did I exchange a real God for an unreal statue? it just wasn't right. thank You God for showing it to me. and thank You for speaking to me through Your word even here in taiwan.

today is sunday, slackest day of all hehe. the whole platoon is out for platoon battle course and I'm together with all the statuses in bunk doing nothing but saigang. and the appt holder list for ex warrior is out, and I'm gonna be man-mode all the way! no need to worry about controlling my section and shit hehe. just hope no matador or mg carrying. or actually I rather have the matador than the heavy assault bags. oh wells, now it's time to help. I shall go do stuff.

tomorrow is ex warrior. I don't know whether i'm able to last through it without exploding at anyone cos of heat rash, or when I'm just shagged. I just hope it's the same as grandslam, when after we finish it, we'll just be like 'it wasn't that bad'. or I really rather that it isn't as fast paced as grandslam either. and random much, I was just admiring the card I made, and I realise, how far and deep we have gone. the changes, the crossroads we've been through. I could only say wow.

today is ex warrior day 2. it's been a really rough 2 days of outfield. there's the combat load, the really hot sun, and the crazy terrain of uphills and downhills. but there is also the simple pleasures of life, plucking longans any old how and just eating it. and reason why i took out my ipod and started typing now is because there's a freaking awesome double rainbow, straight out of a colouring book. outfield kinda takes away the busy life of singapore, and puts us in a rather simpler world. thank You God for the promise..

it's friday midnight. one third alert is the best time to use my ipod. it feels really good to finally being so close to finishing my aslc. and I feel happy not to fall out of warrior despite me not feeling well for the past few days. oh well I survived through everything so far; I'm left with only one attack mission left. and today was rather fun, a loooooong and tiring 48 hours, but it was good to finally see the platoon pull itself together and actually work together, and actually pull off an amazingly organized defense. heh. sad to see it torn down and gone to waste.

ex warrior is overrrrrrr! we gave our everything in the last mission, and it was really rewarding to see eveyone trying their best, and not screwing up anything. and also for the casevac. i think everyone did their best no matter how shagged we were. ending it all is the best gift and reward we could receive after going through so much together as a section. we really bonded and all throughout the past 8 days outfield, although we screamed shouted complained, grumbled and fought with each other, but at the end, it was all an awesome experience. sad to say I was somewhat a social misfit. my shellscrapes were always apart from the rest of my section and didn't get to bond as much. nevertheless we had our time and fun insulting sergeant goh and master jeremy everyday. going through all the random punishmnts and redos together. anyway instead I became more integrated into the smoking corner, and became the only non-smoker and non-clubber amongst them, partly to use their smoke to smoke out the mosquitoes. I was more of the Maggie eater and the joke. I think by the last night of warrior we were already smoking out the entire place, using the cool method that master jeremy indirectly taught us and all the remaining mosquito coils broken into small pieces. and of course, the reinforcement drill was the most memorable and fun ever, and we actually won and captured the sergeants. and of course, being caught with my pants down. the number of sandflies and mosquitoes were insane, and I think they were all commandos, like totally immune to insect repellent. and of course, the highlight of this whole Taiwan is the crazy slopes we climbed and dropped from. now the knolls at bctc are just little mounds of dirt, compared to the hills here. walking for long distances on flat road is just so easy now. the platoon attack missions just got more and more complicated with more difficult terrain, but other than that, everything else was the same. and yeah, like I mentioned earlier we did an amazing crazy job with the last hasty defence, the comms line, comms path, guiding lines, staircases, toggle ropes along the staircase. I honesty did feel a sense of loss when we left that place, dismantling and covering up everything. it felt so homely, our little sectioned area and the same family we sleep, cook, eat, drink, shit with everyday for 8 days. soon we will all head back to singapore and live our separate and different lives again. it's a sad and comforting knowledge. and now the next uncertainty we have is just our posting. whether it's 'through basics we excel' or 'with pride we lead' or 'ready to strike' or some SIR battalion. hopefully I get 'with pride we lead'. it would be super awesome to come back and take a batch back here to meilin camp as a commander. and then retelling my story here as a cadet. oh yeah, my hotel is different from the rest of the platoon. my section is togeter with all the chefs medics and admin people, whereas the other 3 sections are together in another hotel. how disappointing it is. but nevertheless, I think it'll still be an awesome fun time together. I think I'm gonna room with ee ruey instead of timo, so it'll be less boring hehe. it's tuesday today already, soon it will be saturday night and it's time to go home.

okay, im back in singapore. im glad just to be back home. i finished my internet and mobilephone fast of 3 weeks. feels good to be away from the fast paced life for a while, to take a breather and relax. i cant say i had the best r&r experience. for one, my section was in a different hotel, and on a different bus. so we were pretty much separated from everyone else. that in itself was already a very big minus. the day tour was really boring. im not a big fan of theme parks, cos i simply hate queueing up 45 minutes for 2 minutes of adrenalin rush. but the tone for the first 2 days were simple, eat, get on the bus and sleep/watch a movie, eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep. pig to the max. then the nights were just a little better uh. went for a full body massage on the first day. my shoulder, neck and back felt much better. second night was spent shopping. bought some stuff for myself. and then the last day was just awesome. never spent so much in a day before. finished up my shopping list and headed back to the hotel contented. and of course, totally enjoying all the movie channels there were. through the few days of r&r, i watched transformers 3, limitless, american pie, braveheart, fast five, mr and mrs smith, and hours more of discovery channel and natgeo. the shopping was fun, but i totally lacked any company. tagged along here and there, kinda broke contact on purpose so i could shop alone. the company was too extreme, either too boring, or way too happening for my liking. boring shopping at one end, and "lup sup" on the other extreme. oh and funny story at the airport. somehow the medic got to know me. he was like 'you're jim right? and you stay at clementi right? wanna share cab?' i mean, i visited the MO twice in taiwan, but how in the world did he know where im staying even? it was pretty much a divine miracle to save me 30 bucks of cab fare. and yup, i've come to the end of this very long blog entry of my trip to taiwan. hope you've enjoyed reading. :)

2011-08-06T01:01:00.002+08:00

flying off to taiwan tomorrow. i dont know what to expect. leaving singapore for 3 weeks is something i'm not really prepared for. sigh.

this 3 days outside has been depressing. i feel like i've been so cheated. cheated of my trust, my time, my energy, my fun. im wasting away my time doing stuff without knowing the purpose of actually doing. could have had so much more exciting days if i werent in ns. life is moving on, and moving pretty fast at that, while i'm in my 'forceprep-attack-defend' cycle. things are just not right.

the circumstances around me has failed, fallen and faltered. i wish things didnt fail this often.

2011-07-30T22:04:00.001+08:00

ex grandslam was one long crazy mission. but nothing feels better than 'mission completed'. and really, infantry is like the most useless, we just go in the warzone to clean up the mess and take care of the aftermath.

day 1 was conc area. sounds simple, but the combat load we carried from camp to fofo hill weighed at least 40kg. that walk lasted like one and a half hour, cos we kept stopping for who knows what reason. they dug, but I didn't have to muahaha. it was all substandard shellscrapes anw. and then the real thing started, our first urban attack mission. attack is easy, but first we have to walk there. I was mg comd, with an annoying prc on my head and annoying voices in my ear the whole time. we kinda cheated though, taking the path right next to the track heh. we weren't on the track per se, but it was totally the same. it was a really crazy long day, and slept like 2 hours the whole night.

day 2 wasn't that bad in itself, but we all were super fatigued and sleepy. had about one to two hours of rest at midday, but that was it. and then one highlight of the week occurred, we were waiting around for our ambush target to arrive, and then PLOP, a durian dropped from the sky, not far from where I was. ai cheng cut it open, and then the durian feast began. it was the bestest bestest durian I've eaten. maybe cos it was raw, fresh and free all at the same time. it was so awedelifantasomeeee! and then just nice when we finished the last bit, our instructor came along, and then we dropped everything and ran like kittens back to our position. and then during re-org jj found 2 more and brought them back to camp. best dinner I had in army so far hahaha.

day 3 was the supposed highlight of it all, the chinook ride. we literally slept the whole day while waiting for the helicopter, and thn we all started talking things that didn't make sense, like 'actually our grandslam quite slack ah, sit around in the forest, sleep, eat and talkcock. the run up was the best, with the downwash, the hot exhaust, and of course the anticipation of it all. and shitting in outfield is really memorable. HAHA.-

day 4, the madness begins. or rather, the night if day 3. waking up at 1am, and trekking through the night. got stuck in a swamp, bashing through virgin forests, walking up and down the knolls, oh yeah, and doing all that with a matador. just shag out much.

and of course, day 5 is the best. and most exciting moment of these 5 days is pressing the tap in the shower. and that is when, I completed grandslam.

2011-07-21T15:42:00.002+08:00

its been a crazy 3 days. exercise gypsy: hell lot of force prep, then going out with combat rations, then coming back late at 12am. waking up next morning for the watermanship course, 12km route march, then doing the damn crossing, and then sleeping late again for doing force prep for csb navigation test. and then actually doing the navigation test. daytime navi was pretty fine, but night was pretty screwed up. changed from initial 'noel' to 'levi'. levi sounded easier, until we actually reached the place. supposed to look for a red tree, but its nighttime, so every single tree looks the same.. and they said to look for a 'huge deadfall'. well there were like 4 deadfalls in a row. and then finding 'malt' and 'leek' and THEN, losing the compass i was carrying. and then finding it on the track back. that was just freaking epic or rather, epic freaky. and then actually finding the new checkpoint, by then, we were last already. but came back to camp for a macdonalds feast. woohoo. never felt more like a glutton before heh.

well, at least we have 2 days of rest now. lepaking around with nothing much to do, before we go embark on grandslam. argh, oh wells.

thank You for everything. especially for helping me find the compass. and thank You for Psalm 121.

2011-07-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to me!

the week has been one hell of a crazy week. 4-5 hours of sleep every night. being a commander of little juniors also means waking up earlier than them, and sleeping way later than them. but overall its a pretty fun experience. UO was pretty tiring, cos we slept so little, and because i was exercise section comd. it isnt so much about chiongsua-ing, but more instructional and organisation. definitely learnt alot from there. and then, the 2 UO days were days when i realised, i pretty much enjoyed army, esp when we're actually doing stuff, instead of stoning around, wasting time, dragging our feet from one place to another, and boring stuff. warfighting can be made fun and interesting, if we want it to be. but then again, every day we sleep at 1-2am, and wake at 5am. i would so die if we continued with that timeframe. monday-wednesday would be a crazyass period. 2 navex, 1 12km route march and a river crossing ex. i really dont know how its gonna turn out, considering i really really hate navex.

and of course, enjoying early bookout for ippt gold. awesumxz.

and then went for the post romp superhero partaye. although, whats a party without food? and then my zone's epic fail birthday celebration. i switched on my own lighting state, music and carried my own cake, and lighted my own candle. oh well, its a common birthday the 3 of us share, so oh wells. sometimes i also dunno what to say to them -.- but their noobiness can be quite cute at times though, hahahahaha.

and then went airport with jo to celebrate my birthday! got no pictures or anything for keepsake, the photos turned out terrible, but i guess what really matters is the memory of it all. had an awesome dinner at earle's swensens, and then chatting at T1 while waiting. oh, and a really cute card full of food, cos 'its so me'. im just so 'foodish' luh. and tbh, i have a really good feeling this time round. :) there are issues, but i guess the hiatus did help clear away some debris from the past.

and thats it, im now 19 years old. soon im hitting a 2.

2011-07-06T22:13:00.000+08:00

its fun being a commander, especially if its just for 3 days. the new cadets will be at our beck and call and hanging on to every word that we say. we get to whack them, sayang them, teach them, boost their morale; we can get to choose what kind of a leader we want to be. and that's a very big yet strong and powerful position to be placed in: a position to change and shape lives, no matter how small the impact.

on the other hand, this week passed by really fast. going through the motions, walking, running, proning. outfield lessons and force prep. it wont be long before we embark on ex grandslam and taiwan. maybe it does help that we are busy and arent too bored slacking around in bunk. bookout seems so much closer now. although im only booking out on sat after duty on fri night. sigh. oh well, im still pretty stoked and hyped for this course. it really aint that bad; its just carrying heavy stuff and walking. anyone can do it, really. yes jim, you can do it.

and remember, be patient and dont rush. cool and calm's the way to go.

2011-06-28T22:03:00.002+08:00

yesterday was our first outfield lesson in aslc, one out of many more to come. now in aslc we see the bigger picture of warfighting. the roles and responsibilities of a sect comd. and how we're being equipped to fight efficiently to save our lives, if we ever have to. i sound like i've been enlightened on the usefulness of army, BUT NO. its still freaking stupid to fight in the jungle. singapore's a concrete jungle, in case no one noticed?

we got introduced to our section instructor for pro term. he's a first sergeant, and pretty much desperate to earn a promotion. i've never seen any more naggy and long-winded and "diligent" instructor before. seriously, be more "sincere" and "honest". and those words are already the nicest way to put it across.. oh wells sigh, the things people do, just to earn a crepe on their chest. its only been 2 days and our section is all speculating that he got bullied by his bmt and scs specs, or comes from a broken family, or is a school dropout, or just broke up with a gf, or has daddy issues etcetc. and i think its pretty obious that he made some mistake, if not he wouldnt be a 1sg at such an age, and definitely not a faculty instructor.

i brought my old set of speakers to camp. and been playing christian music through the whole of today when we're in bunk. my taste of music has been labelled the 'type of music if you wanna sleep'. but i still think its one small step for jim.

high stakes ATP coming up this friday. a badge, 200 bucks and a saturday morning bookout is at stake. duh i wanna get marksman. just so i can book out early.

2011-06-27T23:15:00.001+08:00

"Doing something “so that we’ll be loved” is a trap many of us can get caught in. When I do something because I’m trying to get someone else to notice me, appreciate me, say something to build me up, or respect me more, my motives get skewed.

I become very “me” focused. I put unrealistic expectations on myself and the other person. And I can get stinkin’ angry when I don’t feel more noticed, appreciated, or respected.

I can get all twisted up and take my frustration out on myself and that person in an unfair way. I typically sabotage my own efforts and bend to discouragement and defeat.

But, doing something because I am loved is incredibly freeing.

I don’t view the relationship from the vantage point of what I stand to gain. Instead, I look at what I have the opportunity to give. I am “God focused” and love directed. I keep my expectations in check. And I am able to lavish the grace I know I so desperately need. I live free from regret with clarity of heart, mind, and soul." -biblegateway.com

2011-06-23T21:26:00.001+08:00

today was the most fun day in foxtrot so far. it started off really bad. everyone was still in a bad mood over last night's nights-off, and pissed with cheenaman for making all of us wait. and our 2 hours of supposed rest turnedinto 3 fall-ins, where we just sat down and did nothing, and 2 standby areas, which was just lame, cos the place was already so clean. but of course, after our lesson today at 3 plus, we had totally nothing to do, so i guess we were rewarded with resttime. and then the crazyness started when the force prep briefing started. put 80 crazy guys in a lecture room waiting for one commander, and we all go crazy. and then after moving to echo lecture room, things just got funnier. how could things not be funny when pengun became penguin, when suffiyan challenged warrant albert like crazy, when bert challenged him to clean toilet, when fairul laughed at the hard armour plates, when he talked about armour plates in afghanistan, pikachus, and of course, the highlight of the night, pronounced ambush as um-bush.

here's a list of things i want to do, as of now: meet you, meet you two and go eat some good and sinful food, romp, play soccer with the guys on 9th, go acjc to collect sgc, go acjc for rbg, maybe class outing. maybe attend POP for the recruits.

and things to bring when i book in: toilet roll, insect repellent, ziploc bags, febreeze, all my medication. black tape, detergent, and all the miscellaneous stuff i left at home. sorry to bug muh readers, but tis' my reminder list.

2011-06-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

today is nights out day! after 2 long days of gpmg lesson, it was a well deserved break too, and considering that we have another like, 10 days in camp. but instead of being a morale boost, it became a morale killer instead. we were made to work and do total saigang. and of course, they use these 2 words 'nights out' to push and motivate us. and then they take away half the nights out, literally. i mean, whats a nights out, when you leave at 715 and have to book in at 915? not forgetting our camp's on the extreme end of the island. so i decided to stay in and rest. and congrats foxtrot for being time efficient. anw staying in bunk aint that bad. i got fb, twitter, my blog and msn. all im lacking is just dota and garena on my com, heh. a time of reflection and blogging :)

the past few days have been thrown into a whirlwind. new course, new mates, new cliques, new friends, new bad-friends and new responsibilities. realigning my focus, my attention and my effort. and then, the past oikos and fathers day. keeping updated on the happenings in church camp. of course, its been one hell of a week from last wed. going through many activities and motions, and hadnt had the time to catch a breather.

i dont really know how to organise my thoughts and priorities. there's this, that, this and that. this overwriting that, that being a secret from this, time for this and that, and absolutely no time to book out to accomplish any of this or that. and thats the difficult part of being an adult now. deciding whats the most important and most urgent. i really wish an angel would appear infront of me and tell me what to do next and what to expect next. and probably make me obey him too. cos somehow i have a tendency to totally do the opposite. and i have learnt before, in times of confusion like this, just say a simple prayer: "God, help me"

2011-06-21T20:36:00.002+08:00

its tuesday night, and we ended the day rather early: RO at 630pm. i think i've fallen sick. this is what swimming pools do to me. esp when i can hardly swim, much less in my long 4. combat swim was rather horrendous. and ever since then, i've been sneezing and wheezing, to the point i've cried like 954 times today. maybe im gonna report sick tomorrow. but i dont want people to think i keng-ing either. sigh. sigh again. i hate the fact that its only tuesday. what a long long 2 weeks ahead. funny thing about foxtrot, our OC is really free eh. he takes us for 3km morning runs, does our area inspection, and WASHED OUR DUSTBINS for us. wthwthwth. and the rest of the commanders do nothing. they dont even appear at all. shouldnt it be the other way around? anw people around here are ordering macdelivery for nightsnacks. we have levelled up from foodless in mohawk, to cup noodles in echo, to now macs in foxtrot. its a different kind of slack here in foxtrot, compared to echo. oh well,. i think i could get used to it, given some time.

i have been feeling jittery all day today. a missed call last night and now i cant wait for my phone to ring/vibrate. hopefully it aint bad news. really. really pls dont let it be bad news. really. really (x1000) pl0x. :/

2011-06-17T16:58:00.002+08:00

we had the coa come visit us today. he came to view the new SOC, and ended up clearing it. thanks to my very vivid imagination, i can totally see this happening in my head. imagine a general pulling down the sleeves of his smart 4, saying 'lets do this', and then all the 'bao gao liao' of 40+ year olds mwos and colonels get a kangaroo kena spotlight look, then reluctantly pulling down their smart 4 and saying 'yes sir' meekly. and then trying out the soc for like, the first time in many weeks. and leopard crawling into the tunnel behind the coa. HAHAH. i think thats (my imagination) just freaking hilarious.

he gave a motivational speech, to answer a question that we all always ask 'why must we serve?' i admit, it was pretty motivational, and i kinda agree with him. how much we all take away from our NS experience really does depends on how much effort we put in. put in effort, and you'll reap more benefits. it applies everywhere. train hard, and you'll win trophies on the field. study hard, and you'll get your qualifications. love hard, and you'll have a group of loving family and friends. practise hard, and you'll be a master of your musical instrument. in the same way, train hard, and you'll get a positive experience. he was also mentioning about doing things that we dont like. why do we do things that we dont like, ie outfield, waking up at 530, falling in, marching, getting knocked down, area cleaning? in life, we all do things that we dont like to do. study, work and the list goes on and on. but how a man is measured is in his ability to do things that he doesnt like to do. a successful musician or sportsman didnt become a day today because he learnt the skills yesterday. it took hours of gruelling pain and practice and sacrifice before they get there. a succesful businessman sacrificed his time with his family and friends. a successful person does thing he doesnt like to do, and puts in the effort. and thats how one becomes successful. its not everyday you get paid to do something that you like. you cant choose your bosses and your colleagues. you dont get to choose to always work with your friends. you have to work with people you dont like sometimes too. no one likes the people they dont like, duh. and the people who do it best climb the hierarchy; they rise above the rest. and i thought, hey for once, army makes sense to the real life.

i dont really like foxtrot that much, to be honest. i honestly preferred echo. they tell us our bookout timings, they indirectly tell us when there's a nights-out. they conduct standby areas instead of standby beds. they aint so picky over little things. and simply, foxtrot doesnt. and i dont like it. :(

2011-06-15T21:23:00.002+08:00

its weird really. its the first day of aslc and its supposed to be the suckiest course of all. apparently armour infantry, recce and engineers have it harder than us. i mean, from the training programme, its not exactly super difficult, its just a continuation from bslc. and surprisingly, i felt really positive today. no thoughts of comparison, envy (although i do envy the commandos' jump tomorrow. heh) or ooc-ing. i feel fresh, like how i felt when i first stepped into BMT. a deeper hunger to do well, and a deeper desire to excel. God indeed answered my heart's prayer. thank You. :)

in other stories, jim talked to jo again last night. we sorted out stuff, quarrelled (again), and then left it off on a pretty good note. was it a stroke of luck, fate, opportunity, or divine appointment, i dont know. then again, i shouldnt get my hopes up too high. im not ready, we're not ready. this the time to be patient and wait. yup, thats the RIGHT thing to do.

2011-06-14T20:54:00.003+08:00

forgiveness is important. God forgave us for every wrong we did. we forgive ourselves, we forgive others. if we do not forgive ourselves, we just stay rooted to the spot, dwelling in that spot of regret and guilt, and never move on. and i dont wanna stay rooted there.

i hate it when i talk so much about God and Jesus and all, but i only half believe it. whats the point? part of me wants to draw closer, the other part of me wants to drift away.

'cause you're everything more than all we need; i've found this world to be not enough for me

2011-06-13T00:01:00.001+08:00

how much is God worth to you? what if everything was taken away, and all you have left is God?

2011-06-08T22:44:00.003+08:00

28km route march down. i must say, its the most challenging thing i've done my whole life. before we even started, i was kinda in a bad mood. i had a nightmare that night and didnt sleep well at all. and i was totally not into the 'mood'; wasnt psyched up for it or anything, after all, it had like zero incentive. it has been 2 months since i last went on a route march, so of course by the first 4km or so, i was already in a 'help-me-i-wanna-throw-my-field-pack-away-now' state. the first rest point was a pretty cool and romantic spot, with a beautiful shoreline facing johor.

and then it went downhill all the way from there. (nope, the terrain wasnt downhill at all) the organisers decided that we were pretty strong walkers and didnt need to rest for the first 10km or so, so they decided to give us like, an 8km stretch at one go. and it was during that 8km stretch i somewhat composed a mini song that went 'come on jim, you're stronger than this' and i sang that line in my head for at least an hour. and survived that loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong stretch. and then when i thought about how shagged i already was, and then i was ONLY halfway there, i had no idea how i was going to finish it at all.

and then my neck started to ache. my left arm went totally numb. i could totally imagine the muscle fibres in my neck slowly start to have microtears. and then we were all losing our tempers. i didnt walk the last 12km somehow. my mind went blank, i couldnt push myself, i just simply trudged through it: forcing my legs to keep walking. but i am kinda proud of my feet and legs not to fail me.

and it totally didnt help that the enciks loved to mess with our heads. 30 mins breaks became 10 minutes. 3km stretches seemed like 5km. 4km stretches became 6km. 6km stretches seemed like 10km. and of course, the oh-so-heavy field pack, and never ending pain on my shoulders and neck. and totally totally totally disoriented and mental shutdown. but for now, im just glad its over.

totally unrelated to this post, but totally related to the previous one, i had a major realisation today. B hates C, so its a 'choose between B and C" kinda thing. and that next time, there would be D and a E and F and G. so oh wells. and realisation number 3, no matter how much C seems like a brother from a different mother, we're just way too similar. and i just dont think 2 twins actually work out.

edit: this is the morning after i typed the post, and i remembered about the hell real nightmare that i had. i dreamt of B. there was like us sitting around the table, and it was awkward silence. everyone else was talking but we were just staring at one another. B turned whiter, fatter and uglier, but B was still so enchanting. and we broke down. but B ran away. and i gave chase. and B entered through some swingy door and was confiding in tse min. (abit no link, i know, but thats how dreams go) and when i got there, B ran down the stairs crying like a baby. and i vividly remember jumping down a flight of about 10 steps, and nearly broke my leg. and STILL couldnt catch B. and then i woke up sweating and panting, as if i had actually been crying and running. it seemed all too real.

2011-06-06T21:30:00.002+08:00

28km tomorrow. i've been feeling so lazy for the past few days, i dont know whether i can still carry my FBO.

okay before i go on with this post, lets classify these people into classified information. there's A, the first one, B the second one, and C the third one, in chronological order.

it has been pretty awkward when me and C first broke contact. like say 10/10 on a 'when we meet' (wwm) scale, and a 1/10 on a 'when we dont meet' (wwdm) scale. which is pretty fine, cos we hardly meet anyway. i dont really know how i managed to repair it, but i guess time played a major role. thank you, time.

and then i broke contact with B. it's the hardest out of the three and it's been the most painful months of my life. its been a 1/10 on a wwm scale because, of course, we were twins from different parents. but 10/10 on a wwdm scale, because our lives has changed, and we are heading different directions with different priorities. we were the closest, we completed each other's sentences, we went through so many firsts together. the memories we have, i will hold dear to it. but worst of all, you left such big shoes to fill, that even my 10 best friends put together couldnt fill those shoes. and the shoes are still left empty, sadly. for the past week i've been wondering, in these past 6 months, was there a day you woke up, and found that you wanted me to fill those shoes i've left behind instead? i really wished you did. really. really. really. and really.

and then i broke contact with A. its a 7/10 on a wwdm scale, and a somewhat 5/10 on a wwm scale. my story started then, and it ended then. breaking contact with A was the right thing to do, but it didnt solve the root problem. i felt wrong; i felt guilty. and i couldnt understand what and why i was feeling these feelings. i dont know whether its just me or if A is feeling the same way. and that's one thing i really wanna figure out. i cant take it when the root problem is not solved, when its swept under the carpet. but in this case, im not in a position to sweep out from what's under the carpet into a dustpan, because it aint my carpet. and i have no right venturing and manipulating into other people's carpets.

and for now, if i wanna repair any friendships, i think i've gotta sort this ABC thing out first. that's the right thing to do. but considering how crazy and impulsive i've been these past few weeks, i really am not sure whether i can actually start doing the right things. :/

2011-06-01T10:22:00.002+08:00

this is what true love is

2011-05-31T21:31:00.003+08:00

i've been seeing many things happen to us recently. the us, referring to the people around me. when we reach a certain point in our life, we start to change and question our purpose in life. normally it comes at the major crossroads of our life. it could be when we first find work, when we finish our 'A's, when we receive our first paycheck or when we enter NS.

we realise that we're now more independent than ever before. we're sooo close to being adults, or some of us may already be past 21. we feel like we've grown wings and are no longer under control of our parents. we're independent. we're free. we can make whatever choices we want. we're empowered by our own income that we earn. we can have things that officially belongs to ME, and not something bought with our parents' money. and its true. its a fact. we CAN do all that.

but how about when it comes to the 'gray' issues that you've faced since childhood? the ones you were curious about, the ones you were warned not to go near. it could be small things, like staying late outside, meeting new girls/guys, buying something that you cant really afford. but it escalates and accumulates into bigger things. boundaries between members of the opposite sex can be pushed. secrets become deeper and darker, trying out alcohol and cigarettes, the clubs and bars, overexcessive shopping, going into debt, disregarding your family and the list goes on. we can and are fully capable to do all these. we have the money; we have the choice.

we have a penultimate choice. we can choose to do, or not. we can choose to go, or not. we can love, we can live, we can hate. we can choose to leave church; we can serve God wholeheartedly. we can choose to give up our morals; we can stand up for the right thing. we can slack; or we can go the extra mile. we as adults or adults-in-training are promoted to a position where we can decide a million things; and we are in a position to accomplish it as long as its within our means.

no doubt, people fail. people make mistakes. we doubt ourselves, we doubt the ones we trust. we doubt the One we trust. its humane to doubt. but when those doubts come, when those nasty thoughts and feelings come, what do we decide on?

i'm telling myself, i'm telling my readers, i'm telling the world, make the right chioce.

2011-05-28T22:21:00.001+08:00

now now, jeem, doesn't this scenario sound oh-so-sucky and oh-so-familiar?

2011-05-26T21:36:00.002+08:00

i have been having so many random thoughts recently. my mind is pretty much in a mess. for one, i've been thinking about the things that speak a thousand words; a hug speaks a thousand comforting words, a lighting state speaks a thousand words of the atmosphere, a first impression speaks a thousand words about what kind of person they are, an awkward silence speaks a thousand words about the relationship between these 2 people.

for two, the world was supposed to end on saturday, but i'm still alive and kicking. the world didn't end. but when i look back, what if it did? would be i be pleased with the way i led my life? would i be proud of the things i've done, esp in the last 24 hours of my life. amd if the world was gonna end tomorrow, am i ready today? am i satisfied with myself? what about the people around me? what about the people close to me?

for three, i've been thinking about army friends. we come from different lands, speaking different languages, in different accents. we go through shit together, but we hate each other even more. we become impatient and angsty. we were supposed to learn to work with other people smoothly, but it turned the other way instead. it has become a me vs you thing, a clique vs clique thing. this is completely contrary to what army set out to achieve. we're supposed to open up to one another, and share our lives and experiences with one another, not make fun of people when they do open up. dont put on a facade, esp the strong and haughty facade. we all know we all are weak, but sometimes we just dont want to admit it.

for four, i've been troubled by 2 people in my life. they now lead a different life from me, and i cannot understand them totally. my definition of love varies from other people's definition of love. and for that, i cannot compare. people are different. i dont know if its a guy thing, or a me thing, or a timing thing, but i think these 2 years will be pretty tough in this aspect. bouncing from one to another. rebounding from one to another, all just to fill up that little void inside.

for five, i've been thinking about my own life story. i wonder whether the people around me will look at me differently if they knew where i came from, how i grew up with, and how i got to where i am today. i cant say i've got a really impressive story that will move people to tears, but i guess, i'm just different. different from the random teenager thats roaming the streets now. opening up, to me, is the opportunity of gaining respect, but taking a risk by being vulnerable. it's a rather fine balance.

for six, my pc talked about me. he said i was withdrawn and quiet. he knew i could get things done, get things going, volunteer and stuff like that, but i just dont want to. and its a pretty strong cuckatoo wake up call. what in the world am i doing with my life here in sispec man? again, its the same issue about potential. so much potential, but all being put to waste. 'because i'm not real with myself, im not real with God.'

this has been a pretty long post. so many life issues boggling around in my brain now. my mind can stay still, but the world around me still moves at the same speed. ciao for 2 days now, urban ops camp coming up tomorrow. time to catch up with the real world.

2011-05-24T22:15:00.002+08:00

there, im done with most of BSLC high key events. ippt gold, field camp over, most of the lessons all over, navigation over, live firings all over. left only with ioc and urban ops field camp, and 28km. its only been 6 weeks here, but it has seemed rather short. compared to bmt's 9 weeks, which seemed like an eternity. maybe i've gotten used to army. or maybe, there's actually a tangible thing to look forward to while here, and that is, my RANK.

i've met so many new people here. its a progressive thing, first exposure to people from all the jcs in singapore. my section in mohawk was already a rojak of jcs. and then hear stories about rjc, acsi and so on. and then compare the vast differences between yjc vs rjc, acsi vs the world, cheena jcs vs english jcs. back then, everyone was 19 and fresh out of A levels. after passing out, we've moved on. i've come to scs. i meet people from orion, who are from a ptp batch. and there are people who come from polytechnics. some are 19, but others 22, or even 23. they have motorbikes, career experience, serious girlfriends, and just more mature than us jc kids. they dont play the gossip and power struggle. and i guess, its an even more progressive thing once we all pass out from here. we meet all kinds of men, from the street, the ITEs, the polys, the jcs, and from overseas. its more than an eye-opener. its a life lesson. and its a pretty difficult one to catch. meeting new friends, maintaining contact with old ones. and one random thing i thought about, and find hard to grasp, is that Jesus died for every single one of them, regardless of their background, whether they were blur cuckoos, retards, annoying loudmouths, people with integrity issues, backstabbers, gossipers, bootlickers, dimwits. whether they were popular, cool, smart, top of the hierarchy, have-it-alls. He loved them all, and i'm supposed to love them all too. now, thats a pretty big task to accomplish. pretty random, but yeah.

2011-05-24T22:15:00.000+08:00

2011-05-19T15:05:00.000+08:00

this week's pretty awesome. i feel like its the second day of the week, but its already thursday! and im having a nights out later. so this week is just really really short heh.

life's much better now than it was 4 weeks ago. more new friends, less hi-bye friends, and more actual real friends. its now more fun when its time to eat, or to lepak, or to rest. or just got people to talk to when im bored. but its a sad thing, ever since i came into ns, i made new friends, only to say bye to them, and then to come to sispec to make new friends, and only to say bye to them in 3 weeks time. there's still my pro-term, there's still unit. sad much, meanwhile the term 'army buddies' seem pretty meh-ish to me.

and i think im down with the flu. and it started because i bathed at 5am in the morning. have been sneezing non-stop since then -.-

2011-05-10T10:48:00.000+08:00

its field camp week. i just finished 2 pretty slacky days of field training. and im even having an hour or so of lepaking time in bunk. maybe its just the calm before a storm. my SME sergeant's the best ever. he is totally in the ORD mode, and doesnt care much about us. hahah.

from what i heard, its gonna be the craziest and most tiring thing to happen in scs. and i dont really think im prepared for it. i feel kinda sickishly-burnt, and dont feel good at all. its gonna be even lesser hours of sleep, but hopefully the day lessons are as slack as now. come to think of it, i havent had a good rest ever since last week. even when i book out, i only have about 6-7 hours of sleep. thats a little overbearing for my body isnt it? or maybe im just too acclimatised to wake up afte 7 hours.

anyway, i've been really blessed by this song on sunday. hope you enjoy it. and surprise much, its in chinese!

2011-05-07T22:26:00.001+08:00

:/ I've been having alot of thoughts lately about what it really means to grow up; it's not like you push a button when you turn 21, and then tadah, you become an adult, and attain adultish wisdom. I've got to learn to make my own decisions about so many things. there's suddenly a whole new thing about cpf, insurance, savings, university, school, friends, church, and paying for my expenses in future. they may seem like the same old responsibilities, but growing up in these aspects present a whole new environment and set of expectations. I didn't push a button for all these responsibilities to suddenly fall on me. they all just came and fell and put a crazy weight on my shoulders, something that I hardly got used to. life isn't carefree, it's loaded with issues. I really hate seeing myself being so pessimistic now, and dammit, since when was I like that? I was such an optimistic person, with always hope for the best. I always believed and always hoped. ever since I fell out, i seemed to misunderstand what love is. my defintions turned awry; my expectations were tossed around. responsibility is one of the hardest things to bear and carry, and I'm really worn out from this new era of thinking and doing. yes, I know army's supposed to train me to be tougher and teach me to have initiative and responsibility, but it's one of the hardest lessons I need to learn.

my recharging and reempowerment came from lepak sessions. I loved lepaking, and wasting time away. but sadly as an adult, I can't do that as often anymore.

2011-05-07T19:58:00.000+08:00

had one of the shortest and most rushed weekends ever. bookout, do stuff at home, sleep, church, lightings, LTS test, zone changes, baptism, lunch meetup with the gg gang, dinner with estvin, rush back to camp. but yes, booking

out is the biggest morale booster one can get from army.

so many things are happening. and so many reasons and troubles everywhere. i feel like my friends are slowly departing, slowly leaving. and im losing touch. army's making me lose my character. even i find myself boring. i dont

really know what im entering into for the next half a year. becoming a sergeant, lightings ministry, cell ministry, friends, acquaintances etc etc.

"For i am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me. Help me O Lord my God, save me in accordance with your love" awesome verser for the day.

2011-05-02T20:02:00.002+08:00

hahaha saw this on twitter: 'what a disney weekend, a prince gets married, the bad guy is dead, but i still have to book in'. but oh, what a crazy weekend it has been. (with lesser hours of sleep than in army)

its monday night, had a good long weekend, saturday had saf-organised 6am sports day. i mean, seriously, who has a sports carnival at 6am? and then when i booked out i came home to my 2 letters. my nus and ntu acceptance letter. ntu mass comm and nus communication studies. i have to decide for one by 1 june. and then went out to wad service. and after that we went for dinner with some of my besties in church, to chargrill. miss them much, its been pretty long since we hung out together. had a pretty scrumptious and delicious dinner, and then off to our 'date' at a supposed swensens. and faz was an idiot to not come with us. hahahahahah. dessert ended up being at billy bombers instead, and had the best and most sinful chocolate brownie ever. and then went with alvin to hang out at clarke quay, to catch up.

i finally unloaded my life story to someone. or for that matter, some-two. they say a burden shared is a burden halved. i dont really feel somewhat better, but i guess its because of the fact that its already over. and that army's pretty good at taking my mind off things.

hung out, chatted, walked, talked, impromptu stayover-ed, talked til 3am, with some ps2 inbetween. i must say, it was pretty intense finding out new going-ons that i've been missing out for the past 3 months.. my perception of some people will pretty much change cos of that 6 hour long chat. and i finally opened up my personal ipod blog to him. and that was a pretty big breakthrough for me. he kept saying how tough it must have been for me, and i dont realise how much pain i've been through. only when i reread my own blog, did i realise what troubles and highs and lows did i struggle through. it was emotionally draining much, and that was just htht number 1.

church the next day, and doing one of my favourite things: lightings. :D :D :D and then on to meet dede and ding to go to waffleworld. pretty much the food that i've looked forward to all week, with a promised htht with dede. i never laughed so much, and talked about so much random stuff at one go before. hahah. and then had a serious talk, which was left hanging. haha. and that was htht number 2. KO-ed, and made 2 appointments with alvin and the gg guys while in a KO state.

waking up freaking early in the morning, for a picnic brunch, then walking around mbs, and damnit, that memory where everything turned sour is still so fresh in my mind. that lobby, that railing, the words. sigh. and then off to meet da guys. had a pretty cool time just chilling out. first thing they said was 'did you know osama died?' what a weekend indeed.

2011-04-26T18:21:00.001+08:00

<3 COY ADMIN TIME.

reading my own posts, im pretty paradoxical sometimes. just really really unsure about what sispec life is gonna be. my pc and pwo promises a tough outfield life ahead, but time in coyline's pretty awesome.

had a talkcock session with our platoon commander. he was going on about what specialists do, and then comparing it with occifers. and he said this one thing that really caught me 'you as specialists will be the ones who will be able to make an impact on someone else's life'. and i thought, that was really true. occifers dont have a direct influence on the men, and from personal experience, it is the specs who earn and gain the respect of their men under them. and i think that cannot be bought. that cannot be bought by going through the toughest training in ocs, or the just-as-tough training in scs. the opportunity to mould and shape someone's life is invaluable. and i think thats the heaviness of our responsibility as commanders; because the lives of the men under us is at stake. not their life per se, but their character. and maybe that's why i've been posted here, and not in ocs. being here is like a free opportunity to rise up, speak up and stand up. i only need to have the courage to go do it, which i admittedly dont at times.

okay, enough with the army lingo. that'll be for my future reference, when i become an old man, and read back on my blog about those army days and lessons i've learnt. i just had a catch-up with alvin. sigh, being in army is like being stuck in a box, having no idea what's going on in the outside world. come to think of it, im 19, and i think it's also time to think of what's next in life after army.

2011-04-25T21:55:00.000+08:00

im blogging from scs laptop, wishing for a pillow and a nice soft bed this very moment, instead of a very cramped lecture theatre seat with lessons about random safety stuff in army, that i dont really understand. and army compounds it and makes it worse by giving abbreviations of everything. TSR, RAC, SSO, LPS, LSM and thats just the beginning. i could put random 3 letters together, and you would get an abbrieviation for something in the army.

it has been a long weekend, good friday and easter sunday. its not been like previous easters, with my most memorable being the one where i did lightings for the crucifixion scene. like wendy said in a very very funny sms, 'its so disappointing, i didnt wear eyeliner today to church cos easter sermon always cry. but dont have'.. after like 18 easters past, it's now a new struggle that i've never really faced before. its the 'yay its another public holiday, and i get a day off from army/work/school' struggle, and no more of 'jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave today'. many, and myself included, have looked at in in the wrong way. i guess being bored gives me the time to think and reflect about things that i've never thought about before. many christianese words are easy to speak, christianese songs are uplifting and melodic enough to sing along, christianese verses are easy to quote, christianese friends are just a phonecall or sms away. but do we really have a christianese heart? the real things that go through our minds, desires and heart, even in the subconscious. however, its not like we are able to control who we want to be; we just are who we are. and that's where Christ comes in, to give us a new life; its a life that we never had before.

hmmmm, i dont really know who still reads my blog, and am still encouraged by it. whoever you are, family, friend, acquaintance or stranger who found this blog via google or something, hope you are encouraged.

2011-04-24T20:02:00.003+08:00

its a syndrome; i term in sunday night book in syndrome.

its the WORST feeling ever. nothing can really make up for it.

2011-04-22T16:52:00.002+08:00

"and life is worth the living just because He lives"

and army, and high kneeling and 3km SBO runs and field camp and outfield lessons and heavy responsibilities and extreme fatigue and muscleaches and university applications and reluctantly dragging myself from one place to another are all worth it just because He lives. it's a hard thing to grasp, but it's somethig new im gonna try to learn. i dunno how, but because for that very reason that He is alive and living, i have the ability to face tomorrow and the power to overcome anything. I can face tomorrow's challenges and obstacles.

He is the one who makes all thing worthwhile. it gives meaning to life, instead of our constant need of direction and frequent headless chicken running. he is the one who increases the value of our life and whom we really are. without good friday and easter, life doesnt have meaning. if not for him, life would had no direction and no meaning. it would have no love, no peace, no joy, no justice, no hope, no mercy, no beauty, no self-control, no integrity, no direction, no eternity, no good things. if not for him, life would just be full of hatred, lusts, anxiety, hopelessness, worries, pain, injustice, fears, cruelty, ugliness, impulsive, corrupt and full of instant gratifications. I wouldn't want to live in a world like that, and im pretty sure you wouldn't too. i want to know Him more, because there's a void in my life that nothing else can fill. come and know Him; His name is Jesus.

2011-04-17T21:15:00.002+08:00

its the end of my block leave. i had a nap. and i woke up feeling my worst. suddenly everything was so clear.

i was undeniably, and is still in a state of denial. i think i'm overly optimistic about jo. my mind's going awry and crooked and i cant think straight. i think im spending way too much on stupid things. i'm not prepared for my scs. i think i'm turning a little outcasted-ish and arrogant-ish, and both at the same time. i'm becoming foreign to my friends. i've got the graduation goggles. i've got quite a strong front that i put up to all you people. i cant sleep properly and peacefully at night.

i admit im afraid, even cowardly to a certain extent. even fake. i wasn't sucha good guy as i thought to be.

how, Lord, how?

2011-04-13T22:33:00.003+08:00

self-declared movie day!

watched black swan, which was really grotesque but intriguing. quite a good show overall. although i went imdb to prevent myself from getting too freaked out.

and then i watched limitless. awesome show. i wish i had a drug like NZT too.

life's been pretty hard, i admit. i wish i had a bff by my side, like i used to have. a someone that i could ask an honest question when im in doubt, and get an honest opinion not too far away from mine. and be really open. now there's so man questions i have, and i dont know what to do, where to turn to for help, the right people to talk to, the right people to hang with, the right decisions, the best choices, or sometimes, just a damned pair of listening ears. a good, honest and open friend who has like the same frequency as yourself is as rare as enriched plutonium. so many people have disappeared from my life recently. and its hard to actually get up and move on. i much rather remain in this dreamy state.

why oh why? there's YOU, why did you disappear from my life; there's you, why did you leave? you left a major mess behind; there's this thing that i half-want to go, to have fun and let loose; there's this thing i've done not once, but twice; there's refocusing, why does it take forever.

i think the problem is me. i dont feel bad or rotten at all. but i am BEING bad and rotten.

2011-04-12T23:17:00.002+08:00

i think i'm numbing myself from all these pains.

only when i book out, and actually spend time away from army, do i really realise my life is pretty much in a mess, and i dont really know what to do to clean up the mess.

i somehow wish i could pour out all the details on my blog. its my venting outlet for my rants to take away the burden of bearing it alone. but for the sake of meself, i really shouldn't.

2011-04-09T21:22:00.001+08:00

POP LO.

2011-04-03T00:22:00.002+08:00

i nearly washed my ipod, but saved it in the nick of time (Y)

rws pay is in (Y)

online shopping (Y)

one more week to POP (Y)

never've been more independent than ever (Y)

watching battle: los angeles (Y)

doing a 16km route march with a fever (N)

birthdays this week: _____(N)

2011-03-29T12:01:00.002+08:00

sick and lethargic much. i've had the most slackest 3 days in army these 3 days, but i feel really uneasy/stressed/tired. the whole uni thing has been crazy, including the amount of time spent in hcc.

after finishing most of my bmt, i realise, bmt wasnt all that hard to go through. yeah, it tested alot of physical strength, but not much of mental strength. through ns so far, what i've learnt was discipline, time and money management.i dont know how much i've learnt the past few weeks, but its been alot. comparatively with people, i've been through way more emotionally and psychologically and mentally. i dont know i'll measure up against ns standard, but i guess i'll find out soon. now, i am starting to prep myself for the next phase of ns, be it ocs or scs. i dont really know where i'll land up, but the prestige of being an officer is indeed tempting. i admit i havent gave my best best so far, but i know i havent given up either. people are taking their foot off the pedal. less discpline, less initiative, more attitude. i dont know if i am, cos im not a fair judge for myself.

its quite hard to prepare for where im going next, because i dont want to be too disappointed if i dont end up in ocs, but i dont wanna freak out when i find out im actually heading there. its a pretty thin line. i mean, all the advice i had before coming to bmt was to 'do my best' and 'learn as much as possible'. so all i really want to do, is to do well for everything, and see where my results can bring me.

2011-03-27T19:23:00.002+08:00

this bookout is one of the most stressful ever.

i applied for my uni, mass comm at ntu and nus communication studies at nus.

i think had my first ever core group meeting.

i drew out the plans for the refocusing and modifications of hcc's lighting rig, and planning for the next 2 weeks.

i applied for paypal. and now have $50 in it.

i finally got my iB device, and got my ibanking going, but screw OTP.

spent time with sc6 mates and the gang. awesome time catching up.

had my own htht with dede. apologised after so long.

got turnout by my own dad at 3am to hang my own clothes (seriously?)

had to totally prevent myself from spending more money unnecessarily (which is freaking hard to do)

awaiting my next 2 paydays. one for rws, and another one from saf.

2011-03-19T22:26:00.003+08:00

for the first time in my life, i shopped online.

i feel so accomplished this week.

i applied for ibanking, i shopped online and bought new stuff, i bought myself a new ipod and new earphones. and i managed to chase down my rws pay.

i managed to get myself booked out early, pass my ippt and not get confined, threw a grenade and was pretty calm about it.

its been a crazy week, and im starting to mentally prep myself for the next week of hardcore PTs and BCCTs.

2011-03-18T13:29:00.000+08:00

it has been a long time since i last blogged. so many things have happened in the past few weeks, i've been going quite crazy. a really bad boo boo is that my bookouts are always way more stressful than my time in camp. i've been chasing my NS pay and my rws pay for about 2 weeks now, and it will all come into my account today. i dont really know how to spend so much money yet, but first im getting myself a new ipod and a new pair of in-ear earphones, and maybe do some online shopping. i was thinking of getting a new ipod shuffle; my whole bunk is against it. but i dont get to choose the song. so what do you guys think? heheh. i admit, army makes you really tired and when it comes to sundays, its really difficult to wake up and go to service. im getting by everyday with 6 hours of sleep, and no extra hours in between. add in the crazy physical trainings and you get a very big sum of tired. but i wanna go shopping!! anyone?

for those who are actually bothering to read my blog to this point, good for you, heh, cos i think i'll go on and on rambling on and on about army life. as i'm typing this, im at the live grenade range waiting for my turn. im half prepared to skip my turn already at this rate im going. firstly, the grenades are freaking loud, like freaking freaking freaking loud. and there was a blind like 5 mins ago. and omgomgomg, the C4 they used to blow up the blind is omgishly loud. i felt the shockwave from like 300m away.

so many things have changed. army takes up 10/10 of my life. and honestly, its hard to maintain a relationship with anyone, other than my friends in the army. but i admit, army can be really fun at times. its the people around you who bring up your spirits no matter how sian or down you're feeling. its been hard to read the bible on some days, when i am really sleepy, and end up sleeing instead. but worship songs are a good way to spend time with God.

most of my high key events of BMT has already passed, and it is already kinda decided whether or not im going ocs or not. sit test, live firing, field camp. the last one is ippt. im already on a pass working towards silver, but unless i can make a jump to gold, which is 10 pull ups, by this coming wednesday, then my chances of going ocs will then only fly upwards. meanwhile i think im gonna expect scs. or im just gonna do my best, and let God do the rest. 3 more weeks of BMt, and then its time to move on from this crazy place in tekong, and hopefully to scs in JURONG. awesome much!

okay, i am really really bored, so im blogging, even after my throw. i kept myself totally calm, and like, the moment came and went. oh well, back to ns life. but its kinda slack now. only left with lots of marching to prepare for POP. but come to think of it, the bigger picture is, im only done with 6 weeks out of 22 months.

2011-03-05T12:19:00.002+08:00

field camp and live firing is over. two major obstacles of bmt came and went. next week is SIT test. oh wells, i've got to get that right.

A levels was argh. i got an ABC/BB. then there's still my B for pw and D for chinese. my results are like oh-so-average. sigh. i didnt do well, but i didnt do badly either.

and im majorly aching and tired out. and stressed out.

2011-02-22T18:23:00.002+08:00

army is quite a crazy place. but i must say, firstly, mohawk is a super slack company. it could be much much worse heh. general timings are not exactly adhered to, and the officers are okay with it. i dont know whether its because they are lax with it, or because they dont wanna rush things. hahaha.

the first few days were difficult, of course. it was an adjustment phase that everyone went through. but after 2 weeks together, my section mates have really bonded, and we're having fun now instead of toiling through.

there's alot of things coming up, live firing, field camp, IPPT (which i badly want to get gold for) and lastly, but also the most important, my A-level results. what a crazy period ahead.

2011-02-07T20:32:00.002+08:00

THIS IS IT.

hello, new phase of life. its a whole new phase. it reminds me of pre-acjc days, or the days just before starting orientation. it was a new and exciting period, but with a bloody difficult hurdle at the end. for army, i think everyday presents itself as a hurdle. and the hurdles are bigger, bolder and stronger, to make me bigger, bolder, stronger.

i love nua-ing, i admit. there's nothing like, being lazy. but there's also nothing like the adrenaline of overcoming the challenges placed in front of you. i like challenges, and i like to be in the middle of it. but sometimes, i can be fearful. i'm afraid the obstacle is too big. i'm afraid the obstacle overtakes me. i admit i'm afraid. i can take it in small doses. but everything in its entirety can be pretty overwhelming.

i'll be back 18 feb.
til then, adios amigos.

2011-02-04T21:57:00.002+08:00

its 4th of Feb. i'm freaking out, but desperately trying not to.

its 3 days to ns. i wonder how it'll be like. spending full weeks in camp, coming home only on weekends, and then the whole making new friends part of army.

one thing i'll definitely miss, as my bro pointed out during today's dinner, is the food. we were deciding where to go for dinner, and he went 'you're the one going NS next week, so you get to choose where you wanna eat now'.

and there's so many new things. i have the fit/disciplined part of me somewhere inside. but i havent taken it out since 'A' div ended. or actually, ever since i injured my toe. i have been quite a lazy bum since then. i've got no more ear candy from my winamp. i've got no more facebook to assess, no more youtube, no more msn, no more blogging, no more dota. hmmmm. similar to a media blackout hahahah.

so to all the people who still read this very (x100) old blog of mine, i know its just a handful.. stay tuned!

2011-02-03T23:47:00.002+08:00

okay. reality check. only 5 more days. FIVE MORE DAYS.

its sad that the previous video was removed by the user. it was freaking awesome/touching.

okay and now, another video. her songs make my ears smile.

2011-01-25T17:57:00.002+08:00

WHAT YOU ARE

I'm driving around town

Kinda bored with the windows rolled down

See a girl on the bus stop bench

Dressed to draw attention

Hoping everyone will stare

If she don't stand out she thinks she'll disappear

Wish I could hold her, tell her, show her

What she wants is already there

A star is a star

It doesn't have to try to shine

Water will fall

A bird just knows how to fly

You don't have to tell a flower how to bloom

Or light how to fill up a room

You already are what you are

And what you are is beautiful

Heard a story the other day

Took place at the local VA

A father talking to his dying son

This was his conversation

"It's not supposed to be like this

You can't go first I can't handle it"

The boy said "Dad now don't you cry,

Remember when I was a child what you used to tell me when I'd ask why?"

(You'd say) Gravity is gravity

It doesn't try to pull you down

Stone is stone

It can't help but hold it's ground

The wind just blows, though you can't see

It's everywhere like I'll always be

You already are what you are

And what you are is strong enough

Look in the mirror

Now that's another story to tell

I give love to others

But I give myself hell

I'd have to tell myself

"In every scene there's a perfect plan"

Everything I hoped to be

I already am

A flower is a flower

It doesn't have to try to bloom

And light is light

Just knows how to fill a room

And dark is dark

So the stars have a place to shine

The tide goes out

So it can come back another time

Goodbye makes a love so sweet

And love is love so it can teach us

We already are what we are

And what we are is beautiful

And strong enough

And good enough

And bright enough

2011-01-25T00:55:00.003+08:00

my dad doesnt want me to drink, smoke or gamble cos "those activities will burn a hole in my pocket"

seriously?

parenting 20

2011-01-21T00:21:00.002+08:00

HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE A SINGAPOREAN:
Your neighbour living above you always play with marbles ; yes, continue to live in denial.

You call the cleaner auntie, you call the lady next door auntie, you call your aunty auntie, you call everyone auntie.

You can tell your grandchildren next time that macdonald's ice cream cone used to be 25cents in your generation.

In macdonalds, you can see everyone waiting eagerly for the clock to strike 12pm.

Yay! Finally got cab sia :D ... Eh wait, shit, mercedes cab. Sian!-.-

You don't think it is weird at all to deep your macdonald fries into your vanilla ice cream, its nice!

You remembered that heartless bus uncle who drove away even though he saw you running so desperately for the bus.

Bagpacks used to be cool when it was as low as possible. Now, the higher the better!

Trying desperately by all means to get rid of that 5 cent coin you have.

Hunks work at NewUrbanMale and babes work at Frolick.

Smuggling outside food into movie theaters.

You think Sweet Talk is now an inferior good.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

2011-01-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

i wonder what will happen if i publish my other 'blog' on here.

2011-01-13T21:39:00.002+08:00

life's weird.

for the whole of december i couldnt find a single short term job. i hunted up and down, through various job agencies, emailed my resume countless times and called various companies. i had zero replies.

but somehow, they all decided that they needed me on this very week. i took the RWS one. and possibly a waitering job during cny. its freaking triple pay! lemme count the number of job offers i received in the past one week or so.

1) the other 2-15 feb RWS job
2) clementi loop handphones admin
3) kamal's event at raffles hotel, jubilee hall theatre 14-15 jan
4) waitering at carlton hotel on 21-22 jan
5) herbalife MLM (the NTU undergrad was earning 9k a mth, seriously?)
6) recent F&B job via TBC doing i dont know what
7) cny cashier job via TBC
8) flyer distribution by adecco (which i got fired from)
9) promoting beer by manpower, which tj is taking. hahahahahahahaha.

thats 9 job opportunities in 1 week. woots.

2011-01-08T22:24:00.001+08:00

genting 6-8 jan. many firsts. ahahaha.

2010-12-29T22:31:00.001+08:00

i just received the best christmas card of my life today. :D

2010-12-26T23:40:00.002+08:00

my life is falling apart and shattering, like broken glass, with no way to mend it. i want my getaway. and i need it now.

we've come so far, living to find emotion.

2010-12-20T23:20:00.002+08:00

i have the craziest schedule ever. why am i sucha joke.

anw im totally looking forward to the holiday with the gang at genting. its gonna be just us, no parents, no curfews, no rules, just (most probably) loads of havoc. and i realise, going to genting for 3d2n is cheaper than going to universal studios for one day.

2010-12-17T23:13:00.002+08:00

today i feel as if the whole world is trying to smoke past me.

the guy at premier pure with his so obvious MLM 'business plan' and going-ons about 'helping people'. i mean, come on, your eyes are just after a more and more dollar signs.

pm p&w was one big cloud of smoke.

the translations were equally smoky.

the prayer were pretty smoky too.

on the whole, just about everything i did today was a big cloud of smoke. and i feel like i wasted my day away today.

2010-12-13T20:52:00.002+08:00

okay. breather.

youth camp's over. and prom is over. time to take a breather of about a week, i think, before the hectic schedule of christmas next week.

and i just caught 2 movies. graet movies. social network, and freedom writers. good stuff :D

2010-12-03T10:10:00.002+08:00

it was a love born on the 2nd of august.

and a love extinguished on the 2nd of december.

i've read my blog from then till now. i realise i have grown so much as a person. and when i count, there were at least 3 blogposts lamenting how 'today' was the worst day ever in my life. each 'today' became worst than the previous. at the end of my jc journey, i made some great decisions and some terrible decisions. and those decisions i've made, im living with the consequences of it today. today i evaluated it all. i drew up on a piece of paper things that went right and things that went wrong. and i realise, so many things went right, but even more things went wrong. and i realise the reason so many things went wrong was because we weren't ready as persons. we couldnt look after our own lives. each of us is at fault. there's no one to blame.

and then when i read my blog, i read the post from caleb's blog about walking away from the woman. and the so many (or few) experiences with God at the altar which were opportunities for me to turn it in the right direction. *facepalm*

2010-12-02T18:14:00.000+08:00

As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God because He is my friend.

But then, instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own.
...
At last, I snatched them back again and cried "How could you be so slow?"
"My Child" he said, "What could I do? You never did let go!"

2010-12-02T17:49:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry jo. :(

2010-11-30T22:21:00.002+08:00

everything is overhyped. and i just feel like giving up. every year we go through this 'whatever you call it' period. and im sick of it. it makes me sick to think of it. i feel like everything's been rubbished. there's really nothing good to look forward to, when it becomes all so familiar. and have to go through all the motions again. and its even worse when you lift the bar high, only to be disappointed by reality. and that disappointment further makes it even more ostentatious.

2010-11-20T00:59:00.001+08:00

should i give up or should i just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?

or would it be a waste even if i knew my place, should i leave it there?

2010-11-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

fabula est vestri.

2010-11-07T23:54:00.000+08:00

you'll never walk alone.

2010-11-07T19:23:00.001+08:00

2010-11-05T23:23:00.002+08:00

today i realised a new thing about meself.

the chinese language is a pretty wonderful language. especially so in combined services, where chinese songs' lyrics always seem to jump out at me. and whoever-does-translating is hilarious. like today, 'errr, whats facebook in chinese?' but other than that, i still loathe chinese as a subject to the core.

on a totally unrelated note, im lowering my expectations for march, when i get back my As results. im not expecting straight As and getting up on stage, im being realistic for myself and set down-to-earth targets. my target is at least an ABC/ABB. i havent made up my mind. and pleaseeee i want my A for gp; i worked for it. and then i'll see where i'll go from there.

oh did i mention to you, blog?

im disappearing into tekong on 8th Feb.

2010-11-03T22:39:00.002+08:00